and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
