So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
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i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"