It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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