I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.