My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.