so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.