woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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