i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
