how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize