Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
