If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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