if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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