The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
