Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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