Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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