I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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