my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
