mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I need a beard to bite.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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