I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
