I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you win again, gameday.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
