READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
