if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
