i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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