i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
