I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
