Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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