Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
