i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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