Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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