So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
