3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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