i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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