dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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