you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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