All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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