dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize