Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
