Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
