The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
