Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He has the fingertips of a God
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