Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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