Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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