I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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