dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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