Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
