No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
