I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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