i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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