you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
