The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
