that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
