made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
