So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
