Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
