Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
