Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
