my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
