i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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