if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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